Five items from Oracle of Ages you can use when you are sheltering in place during a pandemic.
Stink Bag: While there is no official description of what is in the stink bag, we can be pretty sure it is shit. To get this bag, Link trades his stationary to a disembodied hand that lives at the bottom of a pit toilet. This hand is actually a recurring character in the Zelda franchise. In most of their interactions with Link, they just want some paper, any paper will do. This idea of a hand coming out of a toilet and grabbing you is apparently a popular story in Japan.
Local businesses need your help. If it is safe for you, consider getting takeout or buying a gift card from your favorite local eatery or other shops. Many of these shops exist on a razor-thin margin and the loss of business from people staying home can bankrupt businesses. I went to my favorite BBQ place in town and got way more than I needed for one meal, partially to support local business and also to avoid cooking.
Tasty Meat: This fine haunch of meat is given to Link by the Tokay Chef in exchange for the stink bag. This does not seem like a very equitable trade since Link is giving someone a bag of filth and getting anything other than a differently filthy bag. It turns out that the Chef is very congested after having a cold and the odor from the bag is so offensive that it clears their sinuses out, allowing them to go back to work as the village chef. I hope they washed their hands after huffing that bag.
If you can’t go in for take-out or order delivery, consider buying gift cards for your favorite places. If you are financially stable during this pandemic, try to spread that privilege around and help your fellow person. I’ll be jamming out on this BBQ chicken for at least two days while I’m sheltering in place.
Doggie Mask: The Happy Mask Salesman, possibly the same one from Majora’s Mask, sells masks in a little shop west of Lynna City. They are terribly hungry and are willing to barter for Link’s tasty meat, offering a doggie mask in exchange for the filling meal. After that, the mask shop is entirely useless to Link.
If you are sheltering in place with a romantic partner, you could consider experimenting with some interesting ways to spice up your physical relationship. If you don’t have BDSM harnesses already, I don’t think now is the best time to go out and buy them. This is a great time to remember that communication is the cornerstone of any relationship and you can at least talk about what you might be interested in exploring.
Dumbbell: Link can take the Doggie Mask he got from the Mask Shop and take it to Mamamu Yan’s house. Mamamu Yan is another recurring character in the Zelda franchise, and her thing is that she loves dogs. Her dog especially. Mamamu Yan sees Link’s mask of a dog face and proclaims, “That mask fits my dog perfectly! I must have it!” She’ll give Link an old dumbbell in exchange for the dog mask for her dog. Let that sink in, she wanted to put a dog mask on her dog.
Even though most people are sheltering at home and not quarantined, there is a clear sense of being stuck at home. Many people have reduced work responsibilities and increased free time during this pandemic. One great use of your free time that helps reduce your stress from a sedentary lifestyle is busting out those dusty free weights you got at a garage sale three years ago and have only used a handful of times.
Cheesy Mustache: Once Link has Mamamu Yan’s dumbbell, he can find a skinny basement-dwelling chap by the name of Thomas in Symmetry Village. Thomas hates that he is so skinny and he wants to bulk up, but he only has one dumbbell. He can’t work asymmetrically as he is a kool-aid drinking citizen of Symmetry Village, where all things must be in balance. In exchange for Link’s dumbbell, Thomas will trade this cheesy mustache. I’m not sure if this is the mustache from his face or another one he just happened to have.
When all else fails, get weird. Host an online pan-holiday party where everyone you know dresses in whatever random milieu they have on hand from any holiday. You’ve got an ugly Christmas sweater and a Santa beard, great. Your friends might put on half a Halloween costume and half an Easter get up and log in as a rabbit witch or ghost with lots of eggs.
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This will probably be my one and only explicitly self help style post. The covid-19 shutdowns in America are really changing the landscape of everyday life and I just couldn’t think of anything else.
I know I said most people aren’t actually in quarantine, but If you are actually in quarantine, check out what one man did during his many days in quarantine.
Use my work personally however you see fit, but do not profit off my efforts without my consent.
These are insane times, make sure you are being excellent to everyone.
-Ceph
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